By Dr Bruce Woolard

Formal education at primary and secondary levels prepare learners for life’s challenges in commerce, technology and industry, yet educationalists have ignored the importance of training skills in terms of “How to be a good spouse”. None, if not little time, is expended on this all important segment of life. Little wonder marriages crumble and divorce follows.

It has been said “That it takes two to tango”. This saying suggests that when a marriage fails both are to blame. Because of this deduction too many divorces carry an unexpressed emotion of failure. Failure in turn affects our sense of worth and value and a chain reaction of emotions follow.

DIVORCE AND LOSS

Divorce like a death in a family is loss of a loved one. As there are stages in the grieving process of the bereft so there is an emotional process in divorce. Despite the circumstances the trauma of divorce proceedings takes its toll and sleep deprivation and loss of interest in life usually follows, leading to a sense of detachment.

EMOTIONAL STAGES

1. SHOCK – The divorce case and the reality of divorce is so final in terms
of the law and your status, that one may have a surreal feeling.

2. NUMBNESS – Shock affects the central nervous system of your body and
toxic fluids are secreted into your system jarring and splintering your
nervous system. A chemical or an adrenalin rushes through your body
resulting in “alien” feelings.

3. ANGER - In some instances the divorcee may ask the question, “Why?”
and become angry with life, God, friends and with himself or herself.
This anger is both circumstantial and caused by sleep interruptions.

4. GUILT – Guilt follows anger and evokes feelings of self-blame.
Did you know that God got divorced? (Read Isa. 50:1.)

5. MEMORIES – Memories of the past and the good times, the expectations,
the hope of yesteryear all come flooding into the “Well of Memories”. One
may feel overwhelmed. It is normal at this stage to want to rectify the
wrongs and talk with your former partner over unresolved issues or attend to
unfinished business. You then open yourself to further hurts, rejection or
exploitation. You become vulnerable to any form of attention from the
opposite sex in your quest to feel that you belong. Your judgement is often
impaired.

ACCEPTANCE

Learn to accept that the “marriage is over”. Set new goals – establish a new circle of friends and avoid “triggers” or places you frequented that may bring back the past.

LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN

1. Belief changes behaviour. Learn to change the way you think about
yourself and life. And start living. Make the Lord your spiritual partner.

2. Change your environment.

3. Start a new hobby or interest.

4. Set realistic goals.

5. Celebrate life.

6. Do not seek to start a relationship too soon.
Consolidate your emotions and your life.

7. Practise thought control. Read 2 Cor. 10:4-5.