By Dr Bruce Woolard

Planning a marriage is an exciting time in a person’s life. Whether you are planning a big ceremony with a large reception or simply just a small intimate wedding with a few guests the fact remains that the day does not make the marriage. As you utter the words “I Do’ few think of the consequences of any challenges that may be faced.

We imagine a life filled with wedded bliss. When challenges come our blissful marriage can continue to be a blessing or it can break down, depending on how we face up to it.

LOVE

When using the word love in the English language it needs to be used in a sentence in order to understand its full meaning.
For example: “I love cricket” or “I love my son” Or “I love my wife”.
The love expressed here is not necessarily the same. In the Greek language we find that a word will express the type of love being referred to:
• Eros- romantic love.
• Philia- friendship love.
• Storge- the love for family.
• Agape- unconditional love.

In a marriage we will need to express all these kinds of love. We will be romantically in love with our spouse and also be friends (best friends). Storge love will need to be expressed amongst the family members. Agape love is the unconditional love that we should aspire to have for our spouse as this is the greatest love that can be expressed.
God’s word, the Holy Scriptures speaks of this love that we are to aspire to.

(Eph 5:25) Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

(Eph 5:31) For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

(Eph 5:33) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

The love being referred to here is unconditional love.

(John 3:16) For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

God’s love for mankind is an unconditional one where he was willing to sacrifice His son the Lord Jesus Christ for our sakes. This was necessary to save us from the punishment for our sins.

This unconditional love needs to be demonstrated by us as Christians in the way we think and act.

Are you prepared for the consequences of sickness or injury to a spouse?

What would happen if a spouse took ill, or possibly became disabled temporarily or permanently?
You may say that this will probably not happen to me.

Let us consider some statistics for South Africa:

• 1 in every 4 people will suffer a heart attack in their lifetime.
• 8 out of every 100 people will suffer a stroke.
• 60% of those 8 will be women and 25% of those will be under 45.
• 53% of all stroke patients will be completely dependent on others.
• 1 in every 3 people will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime.
• 1 in 11 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.
• According to Liberty life insurance the average of dread disease claims in South Africa is 41.

Because of modern technology many more people will survive a life threatening illnesses. This will however mean a greater burden on families and spouses to care for them.

Let me illustrate with two stories which are based on true facts, however the characters are fictitious:

1) Jane and her husband Tim were married for a few months when Tim was involved in a serious car accident on his way from work. He was in bed for months after this. The couple’s marital bliss was shattered. However Jane took control and made sure that her husband was cared for and that he focused on the promises of God and did not wallow in self-pity.
She reminded him of two important scripture readings:

(Heb 13:5) Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

(Rom 8:38) For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
(Rom 8:39) Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God loved them both and he would carry them through.

2) Sarah’s situation was different. She was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 33 her husband Patrick who had been loving and kind became miserable and withdrawn. Sarah’s condition worsened under chemotherapy.
Patrick said that he could not see a future in their relationship as the intimate moments had ceased to a large degree.
Sarah was shattered by her husbands reaction to what she was facing and had to face the prospect of death without the one who had years earlier declared his undying love for her.

Life as we know it here on earth is not always easy. Our bodies are biological machines and we need to realize that they can break down. Prolonged illness or confinement to a bed will put a lot of physical, mental and emotional challenges in our pathway.

COPING WITH A SPOUSES SICKNESS OR DISABLILITY

It has been a privilege over the last number of years to have ministered to families in these situations. I list some points for you to consider in helping you to cope when dealing with the illness or disability of a spouse or loved one.

1. Have a positive attitude:

• When you are upset try and not show it to your sick partner. There is nothing wrong with having a good cry but this should be avoided in front of the other spouse who is not well. This will only make them feel worse.
• Remember God has given us a promise that nothing we face we will face alone as He is there. (Hebrews 13: 5&6: Romans 8: 37-39)

2. Accept the situation:

• We will sometimes spend a lot of time with “what if” or “why”. These are normal questions we will ask but we need to move beyond that.
• We cannot undo the situation.
• The sooner we accept it and adapt the sooner we will be able to be a help and support to our sick/injured spouse.

3. Involve family and friends:

• When we are providing 24-hour care it becomes very draining emotionally and physically.
• If we cannot afford home nursing then we need to involve friends and family who can help.
• You also need time to rest and get out of the house.
• If possible draw up a roster and encouraged friends and family to get involved with giving some of their free time to help you.

4. Resolve emotional issues:

• It is quite natural that either or both of you will go through your own individual grieving process.
• Grief is not only experienced at death.
• When dreams and ambitions are changed we will also experience grief. (Shock, anger, guilt, loneliness etc).
• Seek counseling if necessary to help you cope with this.
• God uses the good and bad that we face for our good (Romans 8;28)

5. Financial adjustments:

• Medical emergencies are often a drain on our financial resources.
• It is always advisable to have medical insurance/medical aid if you can afford it.
• Even with insurance it is advisable to have an “emergency fund”.
• Sometimes we will need to make adjustments financially, in such cases seek advice from someone knowledgeable and who is not emotionally involved in your situation.
• DON’T make impulsive decisions as this may affect your family budget for years to come.

6. Reorganize your life:

• If you are a working person you will need to make arrangements for your spouse to be seen to as there is a limit as to how much leave you will be able to take.
• Make arrangements with someone like your mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-law or paid help to look after your spouse while you are at work.
• REMEMBER to talk it over with your spouse before taking a decision.
• Make sure that you spend quality time together after work as this will ensure that the sick/injured spouse will not feel neglected.
• Possibly some of your sporting activities after work or some meetings will have to be put on hold or cut down for a while.
• The scriptures teach that God has unconditional (AGAPE- greek) love for us.
• We need to demonstrate that Love that we have received from God because of our faith in His Son Jesus Christ. This we do by putting others (in this case or spouse) first. (John 3:16 & Ephesians 5)

7. Physical needs:

• Intimacy in any marriage is important.
• Don’t feel shy to discuss this with your partner.
• Don’t be tempted to stray from your vows at this point as you will be more vulnerable.
• Untold emotional and relationship damage will be caused.

8. Patient’s environment:

• Make the room bright and cheerful.
• Ensure sufficient ventilation.
• Keep the room neat and clean.
• Get rid of clutter.
• Keep the medicine in a closed cupboard as it is often depressing for the “patient” to see rows of medication.
• Ensure access to TV, newspapers and magazines if possible as it will help the person feel in touch with the outside world.
• Also don’t forget a BIBLE and other appropriate reading, material. Speak to your minister/ pastor regarding this.
• Put items such as fruit, biscuits, water, and juice close at hand as it will avoid the patient having to call out each time.
• Ensure that fresh clothing is put on each day.

9. Rest and exercise:

• Make sure that you get sufficient rest and exercise yourself.
• Getting sufficient sleep will help your body replenish itself.

10. Your time with God:

• Remember your time with God.
• Find time to pray and read the Word of God.
• You may wish to do this with your spouse if it is possible.

CONCLUSION

Health and sickness are two sides to marriage. Illness can strike at any time and sometimes without warning. If handled with Christian maturity and sensitivity a partner’s sickness or injury can in fact strengthen a relationship.
God wants us to enjoy our marriage relationship, keeping Him at the centre will help us to do just that.